“Dear Abby” and all those “hello-may-I-help-you” empires are too mainstream. What the world really needs is something new, something edgy, something that won’t tell you your problems are totally fixable and perfectly normal. Got relationship issues? Why solve those with flowers when you can solve them with lobsters? Someone bullying you at work? Why try to resolve your differences when you can pour motor oil on his cactus? Everyday issues can’t always be solved by tried-and-true methods. Sometimes you really need to advance past social norms and set your own standards. Or at least those set by a socially awkward master of questionable advice. Pavlov’s Hair Conditioner cannot be held responsible for any advice given herein. Trust us, you don’t want to know how he behaves in a lawsuit.
Send your questions off to firstname.lastname@example.org. If we like ’em, we’ll use ’em.