My dream house could be a cardboard box as long as it’s near a Wendy’s.
I spent last night heartbroken that Game of Thrones wasn’t on, which is still better than being heartbroken because it was.
I’m trying to eat better so I ordered a salad instead of a ninth cheesesteak.
I hate buying a new case of beer because it means I only have twelve left.
If eggnog were available year-round it wouldn’t be special, I lie to myself while sobbing into a glass of milk.
From the people who brought you “Place the Token” and “Don’t Eat the Instruction Booklet.”
I hope I never have to choose between everlasting fame and a Baconator.