A Slow And Greasy Death: Experimenting With The Luther Burger

Let’s get this out of the way now: I have just eaten a pound of meat between two slabs of fried dough. I am not proud of the monstrosity I just crammed into my face, and I plan on making another next week.

Stage One: Planning

My flatmates and I are pretty avid culinary explorers. Andy’s a doughmaster and king of anything Italian. Silas is a potato wizard. I make meat – burgers are a personal specialty. After watching an episode of The Boondocks featuring the Luther Burger, we decided we’d lived long enough and had to have one.

. This was never meant to exist.

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The only meal in which every ingredient will kill you.

For the uninitiated, the Luther Burger – named for musician Luther Vandross – consists of a burger patty, cheese, bacon, and often a fried egg. Oh, and instead of buns you cram that business between two donuts. It’s terrible. Don’t even try to pretend otherwise. The glazing and red meat go together about as well as hot dogs and motor oil. With this in mind, we improvised.

Where Andy’s from, doughboys are a particular delicacy. So we figured, instead of donuts, why not throw burgers between fried butter and flour and then eat whatever that makes?

Stage Two: Preparation

After a long battle between sanity and our taste buds, the cravings won. We bought ingredients and got to work.

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That’s Andy making the dough, and Silas readying the mac and cheese. Oh, yeah. We stuffed mac and cheese in there, too.

Look at this perfection:

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Making the burgers:

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My one complaint about this apartment, other than the wall that detached itself from the other walls, is that we’ve got nowhere to put a grill. Sadly, this means I can be less experimental with my meats, because cooking on electric coils is my single least favorite type of cooking.

Here’s the bacon:

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And the dough:

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Ready the cranes, ’cause it’s time to put these greaseballs together.

Step 3: Construction

We gained five pounds just fixing the ingredients. My stomach invoked the 8th Amendment’s cruel and unusual clause. I had to shower off a film of grease. But we had come so far already. We were building the Everest of hamburgers.

First up, the mac and cheese:

IMG_1776

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In our pledge to gorge ourselves on the worst kind of wonderful, we shunned the Kraft Dinner and went straight for store brand. Hell, we could have made it from scratch. But we’d committed to quality trash, and damned if we were backing out now.

Next, the patties:

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Yeah, slap some more bacon on there.

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Topping it off:

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The finished product:

. Oh, that's the stuff.

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Oh, that’s the stuff.

You may have noticed two very important things about that last photograph. First, we absolutely did add a second patty. These bad boys weighed over a pound apiece. Second, the picture’s a little blurry. It’s not out of focus – that’s a layer of grease on the lens.

Here’s mine:

. What it is is beautiful.

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What it is is beautiful.

Step 4: Eating the damn thing

No longer fearing death, we jumped in.

. "Jumped" in the way molasses "jumps" from a jar.

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“Jumped” in the way molasses “jumps” from a jar.

With the speed of a morphine-addled manatee, we trudged through the single most amazingly terrible idea three bachelors could come up with.

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These photos were taken over a two-week period.

Slowing down:

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I’ve got huge eyes and a tiny stomach, and was out of the running almost immediately.

. Or, more accurately, out of the plodding.

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Out of the plodding.

The last bite:

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I will never again doubt that Andy and Silas are stronger men than I.

That night, we learned a very important lesson: We should absolutely do this again.

Oh, and in case you were wondering what the fate of that lone patty on our counter was, we fried that shit up. At this point, you really should have seen that coming.

. There's a cheeseburger in there.

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There’s a cheeseburger in there.

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22 responses to “A Slow And Greasy Death: Experimenting With The Luther Burger

  1. Normally I would write something smart and witty… but the amount of pain my intestines are experiencing by just reading this post is preventing me from doing so.

    “Yikes,” “eew,” and “oh my…” some up my thoughts 😉

  2. Wow….A 10 for three Bach-type men folk creating culinary inventions in a pretty clean kitchen. Wow …..that was an adventure worth documenting! Please tell me broccoli lives in that house, too.

    • Trust me, you can’t live in Burlington and not love your greens. There are so many great farms around here. I love broccoli, but quality Brussels sprouts will always be my veg of choice.

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