Everyone wants to be happy in life. And you know what? Everyone can be! Just follow the eight simple steps below, and soon you’ll be on your own private cloud nine.
1. Be incredibly wealthy
What’s that you say? You’re still trying to pay off your college debt? Well, whose fault is that, Mr. I-Wasn’t-Born-Into-A-Family-Fortune McNoTrustFund? If you don’t have cash, though, don’t worry! You can always bypass this crippling shortcoming. All you have to do is…
2. Be exceptionally smart
We’re talking like top 0.1% of the population here. On second thought, maybe that’s asking just a bit too much. Here, we’ll compromise: Top 49%. Slightly above-average. How’s that? Doable? No? In that case, save your dessert paste for later and pay attention to the next step.
3. Be inordinately good-looking
Whoops! Looks like someone caught a case of the uglies! Don’t worry yourself with looking pretty, because frankly it just ain’t gonna happen. Instead, focus on hiding your incredible shame so no one ever wonders what you did to make that sledgehammer so upset.
4. Be outrageously lucky
Right place, right time. Catch a big bag of money as it falls from the sky. Win the lottery three times on your first go. It doesn’t matter, just somehow stumble your dimly lit way into fame and/or fortune (both is ideal). You say you’ve been struck by lightning five times, three of which were immediately followed by a van to the face? And your fiancée left you on your birthday? Take some responsibility, man. Move on. She’s much happier now. You’re still coming to the wedding, right?
Okay, man, look. There’s no need for tears. Yeah, maybe I was a bit harsh. I didn’t think you’d take it this rough. Let’s… let’s just let this sit for now. She’s… Well, no. I’ll give you some time to digest these facts, and we can try again tomorrow. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s best if we just… you know, spend a bit of time apart. Okay? Okay.