2,014 Resolutions We Might Keep In 2014

Fireworks

1. Stick to a manageable number of simple resolutions

2. Resurrect the Roman Empire and ascend to the throne

3. Replace Robert Downey Jr. as the global standard of attractiveness for men ages 20 to 120

4. Experiment with at least two different types of ballpoint pen

5. Forget weight loss goal as soon as possible

6. Catch up on latest exciting episode of I Love Lucy

7. Find out where tarragon comes from

8. Type the number 9

9. Check

10. Double digits already? Whoo! That counts as a resolution, right?

11. Learn to play banjo. Being well versed in guitar, this should be a snap

12. Become well versed in guitar

13. Stop consuming ridiculous quantities of whiskey. Consume absurd quantities instead

14. Figure out how to spell that word. You know the one

15. Amass incredible fortune somehow

16. Find out, once and for all, who moved my goddamn cheese

17. Unclog drain

18. Attain Nirvana. Failing that, attain Nirvana CD

19. Something about being a better person

20. Find ideal bread/butter ratio

21. Breathe at least twice

22. Laugh at someone who pronounces “room” like “rum”

23. Secretly feel guilty that you pronounce “room” like “rum”

24. It’s not even an alcoholic beverage

25. It’s a space that contains a set of furniture or appliances of a particular nature

26. What’s wrong with you?

27. Eat ham

28. Tell everyone how you’re going to spend less money on booze. Give up because no one believed you anyway

29. Travel to exotic destinations, like outside

30. Balance work and social life. 20 minutes of writing for every three weeks of relaxation seems to have worked in the past

31. Purge clothes. No matter how hard it is to see them go, no one needs more than 200 pairs of shoes. 300 tops

32. I’m keeping the wingtips, though

33. Fucking stop swearing all the goddamn time. Shit

34. Learn how to change “3” to “4” as inconspicuously as possible for when you inevitably write “4 January 2013″

35. Take fewer photographs of food. No more than 10-20 per entrée

36. Start gym, begin operations in time for 2015’s sad sacks

37. Begin 2016 Christmas cards or you’ll never get them done

38. Post every day

39. Whoops, oh well, that’s a load off my back

40. Find the perfect apple

41. Follow through on every promise

2012. Don’t make promises

2013. Live life to the fullest, stop to smell the roses, and don’t take no wooden nickels

2014. Survive

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