Ireland Is Just Like Vermont, Except For The Different Things

In case anyone was concerned, we landed in Ireland safely, with only minor eardrum damage. Here is a brief rundown of our trip thus far:

  1. See person we know, say hi, spill soda on new sweater.
  2. Board flight for Newark, remember Newark is in New Jersey, try to change itinerary.
  3. Offend friend from New Jersey.
  4. Awkwardly pretend I was joking so friend doesn’t feel bad, secretly wonder why she defended New Jersey/does not have three arms due to nuclear incident.
  5. Board plane for Newark.
  6. Realize gas mask is in checked bag.
  7. Sit next to small child, just know she’s going to start crying.
  8. She starts crying.
  9. But it’s not just any crying.
  10. Here’s the kicker.
  11. She is. Like, she kicks people. A lot. And when I look into her eyes, I swear the retinas are black, just pure black, as though they were carved of the coal from the Ninth Circle itself, and her soul was long ago cast into the Bleak Wind.
  12. Land in Newark.
  13. Guys, this airport is definitely larger than my hometown.
  14. Get on people-mover, realize folks back home would totally pay money to ride people-mover.
  15. Make a general scene gushing over people-mover, receive strange glares.
  16. Forget to step off people-mover, get cool new Band-Aid.
  17. Realize that there is actually an America! The Store that sells all-American products.
  18. Make lame joke about products being made in China.
  19. Make joke again because no wait you totally didn’t hear me the first time.
  20. You totally heard me the first time?
  21. Yes, I’ll shut up.
  22. Find gate, more importantly find Auntie Anne’s.
  23. Find seat at gate, find cool burger joint.
  24. Flip coin between burger joint and Auntie Anne’s.
  25. Get both.
  26. Also get pizza, because I have the world’s biggest eyes and smallest stomach.
  27. Eat, like, everything, feel horrible.
  28. Eat some more.
  29. Wait for hours, just so many hours, hey is it time to board now, ’cause it seems like it’s time to board now.
  30. Yes, I’ll shut up.
  31. It’s time to board now.
  32. No, it’s not.
  33. There are so many people there, the plane’s right there, let’s just go already.
  34. Guys, I feel kinda sick.
  35. Oh, good, it’s time to board now.
  36. Board plane.
  37. Sit next to woman with permanent frown who wants to know why I hate children.
  38. Reply that I only hate children birthed from the loins of Satan.
  39. Get really weird look, stare at seat in front of me.
  40. Realize this woman has watched comedy after comedy on her seat screen, but has never once smiled.
  41. Seriously, she’s just sitting there glowering at the screen.
  42. Like she’s daring Matthew Perry to make her laugh.
  43. Comedy after comedy after comedy, staring down every comedian I’ve ever seen, never laughing.
  44. Get off in Dublin.
  45. Getting into Ireland is surprisingly easy, except for the customs woman who asks if my parents know where I am.
  46. Explain to her why that question is ridiculous.
  47. Get told to see the Immigration Office immediately, for I have angered the gods of Irish Customs Questioning, and have slighted the Old Ways, woe unto me, poor quasi-American traveler with “adorable little document booklet” that the Ancient Ones scoff at mercilessly.
  48. Board bus to long-stay hotel.
  49. Move in, feeling awful, sore, and tired.
  50. Collapse on floor, because f***k everything.
  51. Wake up, feel miserable.
  52. One hour later, everything is wonderful.
  53. Beer.
  54. The end.
  55. More beer.
And then we saw this, and knew that everything would be all right.

And then we saw this, and knew that everything would be all right.

As for JKL updates, we’re planning a new site for the trip, which will be up whenever we damn well please. Stay tuned for those old post reposts we mentioned earlier. Wish us luck.

~Xavier Yes…

In the meantime, we’re going out for that round of drinks Xavier promised us to make up for his horrible jokes on the flight.

~…and the Pavlov Team

Seriously, serves him right, sitting next to that sourpuss old lady and the coldhearted child-like thing. I mean, really… oh, we’re done now? Okay.

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5 responses to “Ireland Is Just Like Vermont, Except For The Different Things

    • We haven’t ventured out of the city yet, but have a trip planned for Friday. As for the birthday, I may have to pretend, as my birthday’s in September, and we’re planning on coming back before then.

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