Grinch’s Head on Pike Ends War on Christmas
WHOVILLE, UTAH – Millions nationwide are celebrating the end of the prolonged and bloody War on Christmas, which symbolically ended today as the head of terrorist leader The Grinch was displayed, skewered on a pike, in Whoville Square.
“The bloodshed is over,” proclaimed Brigadier General Thomas Stuart Who, leader of the procession carrying the severed Grinch’s head. “Finally, we may all sleep peacefully once more, knowing that all the Whos down in Whoville Central Cemetery did not die in vain.”
Cindy Louisa Who, head of Whoville’s Interrogation Unit, recalled the first time she laid eyes on The Grinch. “He tried stealing our Christmas tree,” said the 36-year-old. “That was back in the early days, before the drones and chemical warfare. But damn, he still managed to trick me into thinking he was Santy Claus.” Stifling a tear, Who added, “Seriously, who does that?”
The Grinch was eliminated during a raid earlier this week. When the Special Who Forces team found him, the terrorist ringleader was wearing his infamous red suit. “It was his great Grinchy trick,” said Ronald Drew Who, a member of the spec ops team that ended The Grinch’s terror spree. “Why, with that coat and that hat, he looked just like Saint Nick. Disgusting.”
The Grinch and his wonderful, awful associates had long been thought to live in the caves north of Whoville. Following an anonymous tip, however, he was traced to a luxurious mansion at the base of Mount Crumpit.
The mission’s only casualty was Lieutenant Samuel Louis Who, fatally stabbed by The Grinch while Who attempted to subdue him. He was remembered at a memorial during the piking ceremony.
Who was his superior in the mission and delivered the moving eulogy. “Who was a great man,” said Who. “He laid down his life in defense of his country, and for that, Who will be remembered. In fact, Who, Who himself, killed the beast,” referring to the fatal shot Lt. Who delivered to The Grinch’s neck during the scuffle.
By the end of the eulogy, those in attendance were remembering the fallen hero with chants of “Who! Who! Who!”
The Whos once believed they had pacified The Grinch, and told stories of how the mastermind’s heart had “grown three sizes that day.” According to a recent autopsy, it was just tumors.