Dear Socially Awkward – I’m a Metaphysical Literary Conceit and I Can’t Get Up

Dear Socially Awkward:

I am a trite metaphysical literary conceit designed to explain the blatant lack of posts emerging directly after your Fresh-Pressing. Let me cut to the chase: What’s up with the blatant lack of posts emerging directly after your Fresh-Pressing? Also, something obligatory about relationships, I guess.


Totally a Real Person in aw who gives an at’s rass?

Dear Sassafras:

You are clearly a real person, and not a one-off character created by an author overly reliant on novel concepts. Truly, this goes without saying, but I feel it should be stated as much as possible that you are really an actual person that really wrote this and most people have stopped reading by now so let’s be honest here – I created you and I can answer your question any way I see fit.

Now that that’s out of the way, I think I may have an answer. You know how when you run out of milk or bread, you can go down to the store and buy some more? And even though the prices may be rising and the portions may be shrinking, you always know that you can walk or drive or hitchhike or hijack a novelty tricycle – I don’t judge – and arrive with the assurance that, when you enter the store, there will be milk and bread aplenty?

That doesn’t work with time.

Aw, look at that adorable little image that is full of lies.

Even with the rising cost of time and the steady but noticeable decrease of it available in my schedule, I can’t buy more.

A recent move, increased workload, personal concerns, and love have conspired to delay the last installment of Pavlov’s first-ever multi-part article (multi-particle?). Also, I’ve been preparing for my appearance at the Burlington Book Festival this Saturday. Also also, there’s a new JKL site. Given that the Sit Down, Shut Up, and Learn articles usually take multiple days to complete, and given that I no longer have the freedom of my August vacation, the article should be up within the next noncommittal period of time.

Yes, this may have been a bit long-winded. And yes, updates will definitely come as soon as possible (believe you me, I cannot wait to complete the Hungary article – I think you’ll see why it’s taken so long once it’s up). But for now, sit back, relax, and go outside or something. I’m told it’s lovely.

– Socially Awkward/Xavier Yes

(Side note: The festival is totally free, and if you live anywhere near Burlington, Vermont, you should go. They’ve got a lot of awesome speakers that put anything I ever have done or will do to shame.)


One response to “Dear Socially Awkward – I’m a Metaphysical Literary Conceit and I Can’t Get Up

  1. Love should never conspire to delay but rather merge to create… or perhaps plan to enlighten, or organize to inspire, or combine to stimulate. But that other stuff, yeah, that gets in the way.

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