Walmart Adopts Google-esque “Don’t Be Evil” Motto,
BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS – In a move financial experts described too late as “foolish” and “holy shit, don’t ever do this,” retail giant Walmart rebranded itself under a Google-esque “Don’t be evil” unofficial slogan. The Fortune 500 company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy that afternoon.
Despite weathering numerous economic crises, the retailer – headed by CEO and possible spawn or at least nephew of Satan Mike Duke – went belly-up after attempting to change its corporate culture from the hellhole it so truly was to a nice, clean, and friendly location. The reasons behind this switch to a bland, foreign environment are unclear.
Chuck Wazinski, a long-time Walmart patron as easily inferred from his soulless eyes and a voice that says, “I gave up trying years ago,” said of his “favorite” “store,” “I go in there, y’know, and all I want is to be treated with the same heartless indifference as everyone else. I don’t want to say how my day was, or make chitchat with the, uh, workers, I’d guess you’d call ‘em. I just want the same store I’ve come to know and love leaving.”
As an off-the-record statement that we wouldn’t have published had this article not been written in memory of the recently departed ethics-snubber Walmart, Wazinski asserted that if he didn’t want to say why he was stockpiling matches, rockets, and body armor, he damned well shouldn’t have to.
Walmart stock, previously over $70 a share, all but vaporized when the corporate incarnation of all that is unhappy in the world announced it would try its hardest to at least pretend employees – and maybe even customers – are people.
“We’d been hearing so much from the public about our ethics policies,” said former Walmart spokeswoman Margaret Meyer. “Or lack thereof,” she added, stifling what appeared to be a painful spasm brought on by the asbestos-lined coffee mugs served to Walmart’s almost-top brass. “We figured this would improve our public image. We didn’t think it would mercilessly rain hellfire upon 2.2 million jobs.”
Said CEO Duke, “Hey, you guys know me by now. You should know this is not something I would have let happen.” He added, “I’d totally fire the lunatic who did this if his job hadn’t already been, um, extirpated.”
At press time, former billionaire Duke was asking acquaintances for help moving into his new trailer.