Reader Submission #3
I have a problem. My boyfriend doesn’t like the gifts I get him. He said he wanted a pony, but I couldn’t catch one so for his birthday I brought him a big rat instead, but he screamed and threw it out and poured bleach on the carpet. I figured he probably wanted it alive, so I tried to make it up to him by bringing him a live bat instead. They’re cooler than rats, right? But he broke up with me, so now I’m wondering if an eagle would persuade him to take me back. There’s one nesting in the woods by his house that he’s been watching a lot and I think I might be able to catch it if I’m really sneaky. So what I really need to know is how do I get my paws to stop tasting like bleach?
Heartbroken in NY
Dear Anatomically Disfigured:
First off, let me say just how sorry I am about your heart condition. I’ve never heard of a heart actually breaking, but it sounds painful. For that issue, I recommend vegan brownies.
Now to address everything but your actual question. You should have contacted me immediately after he requested the pony. You could have had my little pony. But, I guess that’s a moot point now. I’m not entirely certain how a rat is a decent alternative to a pony. But then, you’re from New York, and to me that means New York City, and to me that means rats on steroids. So that’s probably where that comes from. Your boyfriend may be radically against steroid use, which could be why he threw it out. He must have poured the bleach to neutralize the steroids. That is not how science works, but you never clarified the intelligence of your boyfriend.
If you’re dead-set on the live bat idea, there is one very good way to make him appreciate it. You must release no fewer than seven thousand mosquitoes into his place of residence. The bat will eat the mosquitoes, and he will appreciate your gift. When the mosquitoes are gone, tell your boyfriend to inject the bat with radioactive spider DNA, and see what happens.
As everyone knows, eagles are delicious. Your boyfriend must be eyeing the eagle hungrily. If all else fails, then catch the eagle, clean it, and deep fat fry it using copious amounts of butter. Serve it to your boyfriend with a side of clam chowder. As far as being sneaky goes, that really shouldn’t be necessary, because by “eagle” I assume you mean “turkey.”
Your last question has a very easy answer. Stop tasting your paws. Instead, clean them with the Brookstone™ PawMaster 3000. Either that, or get surgery so that you are not a cat.
Until next time, this is Socially Awkward. Today’s a Jimmy Hoffa kinda day.
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