Dear Socially Awkward:
I am in a relationship with this amazing girl. We have lots of fun together, and now it’s Valentine’s Day. I’ve heard that this is a day for lovers to celebrate their affection, but I’m kinda new to this whole “dating” thing. I guess it’s excusable, since I’m only 32, but it’s still embarrassing. In a lot of the educational movies I’ve seen (like 50 First Dates), the couples seem to do things like wrap their arms around each other and touch lips. What does this mean? Lastly, a lot of my friends who have significant others say they give gifts to their partners. What should I get for her? She’s allergic to dairy, pollen, and cardstock. Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated.
Romantically Disinclined in Newark
(P.S. Do you speak Hungarian? I’m still trying to get past the language barrier. I thought I told her to make me a sandwich, but clearly I said something offensive instead, because she slapped me upside the head.)
Dear Egregious Loser:
I don’t know much about the radiocarbon dating you mentioned, except that it’s used to determine age. Just how old is your girlfriend? This may be a factor in her interpretation of the whole “sandwich” business. She may just not be up-to-date on modern food. You should check on that.
You seem oddly confused as to the purpose of the arm wrapping and lip touching. People wrap their arms around each other as a symbol of never wanting to let each other go, and overt adoration of professional wrestling. The lip touching, I’m told, is a way to stop the partner from talking about boring subjects.
As for gifts, I think I heard somewhere that Hungarians have a traditional soup called galoshes. Therefore, your best bet would be to get her a pair of rubber boots. I don’t personally understand the appeal of this meal, but hey, you don’t want to look ignorant and xenophobic, right?
Above all, make sure she knows how much you care for her. Tell her you think the wrinkles on her forehead look like sand dunes. I hear that’s a major compliment somewhere. Maybe Hungary.
Until next time, this is Socially Awkward. Have fun with ski goggles today.
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