Why Mac vs. PC Would Be the Most Epic and Totally Pointless Gladiatorial Fight Ever

I’m a Mac, and I’m a PC. You’ve heard it all before. The guy who’s confused business attire with dumpster diving for blazers, and the one dressed like a vagabond hipster. They made our TVs their home for three years, and then decided to colonize YouTube in the form of parody videos (read: garbage). The Mac vs. PC debate, while it’s been around for a while, was cleverly and deliberately blown out of proportion by Apple’s transparently named “Get a Mac” ad campaign.

Now, I’m not afraid to admit that I’m writing this on a Mac. I’m no closet Apple user. But there are about as many reasons this debate is pointless and artificial as there are reasons to switch from Internet Explorer to Chrome (oh, did I say that?). For example:

1.) Apple computers are not made in a magical wonderland by tech-savvy unicorns

Mac computers are made by the same company that makes HP, Dell, Toshiba, Gateway, Sony, and even Research in Motion (Blackberry) products. In fact, Quanta Computer of Taiwan, which makes about a third of the world’s computers, made enough from their 2010 tech-company contracts to hypothetically buy Coca-Cola and Starbucks and still have about a billion dollars left over. So that whole argument (that Apple makes no effort to dissuade) about “Mac computers are better made, you plastic-casing-using Neanderthal” holds about as much water as that “Macs can’t get viruses” business. Wait, what?

Quanta is an equal-opportunity employer – every computer is just as Taiwanese as the next.

2.) Your MacBook does not come standard with white blood cells

That’s right. Macs can and do get viruses. With the rise of Appe’s OS X (and subsequent decline of the hipster target market), those baddies with their computer viruses have an ever-growing reason to torment the once carefree, cloud-puff paradise of MacWorld. Apple themselves are partially to blame. Ever since they decided to give an at’s rass about viruses, virus-writers now see Apple as a challenge to overcome, like summiting a brushed-aluminum Everest. Only it’s really not much of a challenge. Apple’s attempt at virus protection only protects against two kinds of malware, probably because they have the utmost faith in their consumers to decide which flashing links not to click on.

In a desperate attempt to break through Apple’s malware protection software, virus programmers have resorted to product placement.

3.) Yes, Apple can and does run virtually any program (if you’re willing to pay)

Just install Boot Camp. It’s user-friendly. It’s easy. End of story.

Pictured: User-friendly.

4.) Both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are evil little buggers (or were, in Jobs’s case – 10/5/11: Never forget)

Despite Bill Gates’s well-known philanthropy, he’s been known to be something of a pain to work with. He is infamous for being distant and hard to reach, rarely returning phone calls. During more than one presentation, he has yelled out such attacks as, “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” and my personal favorite, “Why don’t you just give up your [stock] options and join the Peace Corps?” His victims then had to appease the almighty Gates, lest the axe of “rightsizing” be brought upon them. (I like picturing Salacious Crumb from Star Wars trying to appeal to Jabba the Hutt.)
Anybody who has read Steve Jobs’s biography (entitled Steve Jobs, presumably by Bill Gates and his black hole of creativity) will know exactly why the Apple overlord was a horrifying human being. Although he was an undeniably brilliant man, blessed with foresight and wonderful – albeit limited – fashion sense, he was also a bit bothersome to work with. Not only was he feared across the company for his alleged propensity to fire people he met on the elevator, but for a while he refused to use deodorant, and rarely bathed. Why?


Steve Jobs believed that fruit was the answer to all life’s ills, and that if he ate enough of it, he would never have to do such superfluous chores as maintaining decent hygiene and not smelling like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s gym bag. In fact, when he was diagnosed with the cancer that ultimately killed him, he decided to do nothing more than trust his life to fruit. Had he just undergone the surgery his doctors suggested, instead of trusting magical fruit to destroy his tumors, he would most likely still be alive. All because of fruit. A terminal Apple fanboy.

Ha! Get it? Because Apple is both the name of his company and also indirectly the thing that killed him? Yup.

5.) Both Apple and Microsoft are about as original as Hollywood

After Steve Jobs stole the concept of graphical user interface (GUI, the images you see on your screen) from Xerox, Gates stole it from Apple, resulting in the Mac vs. PC… lawsuit. An associate of Jobs introduced him to the Xerox Star. The computer was a commercial failure, presumably because Xerox was too busy being known for things that weren’t computers. But Apple saw its potential, and introduced the Apple Macintosh. After the Macintosh became highly successful, Bill Gates saw the potential of its GUI, because Gates is not known for being first to the punch. When Microsoft rolled out a computer with a GUI very similar to Apple’s, the latter company sued. Then Xerox said, “Hey, wait a minute. Wasn’t that kinda our idea first?” and jumped on the lawsuit bandwagon. The court said, “Ha, no,” and threw out the Xerox lawsuit without even looking at the alleged copyright infringements. Ultimately, the court decided that Apple had no right to copyright things like moveable, rectangular windows, and ruled in favor of Microsoft. Several years later, Microsoft was slapped with their infamous antitrust suit, proving that even the copiers of the copiers of a copier manufacturer aren’t infallible.

Regrettably, the court thought they were just throwing out a copy machine.

Wrapping up, whatever your technological affiliations, just remember this: Every time you make a “Mac vs. PC” parody video, YouTube dies a little on the inside.

…leading to more of this.


2 responses to “Why Mac vs. PC Would Be the Most Epic and Totally Pointless Gladiatorial Fight Ever

  1. Hahaha this is absolutely amazing. And completely true, especially about everything being manufactured in the same place. There’s this play(ish thing) that’s circulating right now about Apple outsourcing and how poorly workers are treated in the environments that are producing all of our technology. Regardless, you won’t see me chucking my MacBook out a window anytime soon. It’s just sooo shiny…

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