Reader Submission #1
Dear Socially Awkward:
I have a beautiful, wonderful boyfriend who lives in an apartment with two roommates. I’ll call them Ferdinand and Isabella. They are in a relationship. Isabella is disgusted by the six-year age difference between my beautiful, wonderful boyfriend and I. Though we have barely spoken to each other for more than a few seconds at a time, Isabella has been sending me vile Facebook messages and trying to convince my beautiful, wonderful boyfriend to break up with me. She cries, carries on, and yells at Ferdinand and my beautiful, wonderful boyfriend. Ferdinand is trying to be reasonable, but also wants to keep Isabella happy. My beautiful, wonderful boyfriend is committed to remaining my beautiful, wonderful boyfriend, which greatly upsets Isabella. I don’t know what to do, since I have done nothing wrong to anybody.
I also have a sneaking suspicion that she’s trying to force Jews and Muslims out of Spain.
Confused in Connecticut
For Ferdinand, I suggest you staple-gun his clothes, with him in them, to an oak tree in Yellowstone National Park. He should be safe from people there. After all, there has never been any documented evidence of people actually living in Wyoming. When you arrive safely back at home, call the police force nearest to where Ferdinand is tree hugging. They’ll be located in Colorado. Tell them you used your psychic powers to locate the poor human being. That’s a guaranteed television show.
As for your beautiful, wonderful boyfriend, he’ll clearly be traumatized by the recent events. Inform him you saw him cheating on you with the cat. Then send him my way. I’ll take his shoes and put him on the nearest U-Haul to Mexico.
But there’s still the matter of what specifically you did wrong. Could it be that you poisoned Isabella’s tear ducts to make her cry nonstop? Maybe you poked her Pillsbury Dough Boy in the wrong spot. Or you could have poured liquid sugar on her crystal sugar. Some people really hate that. Oh, wait, you said you did nothing wrong. Well, just go back and adjust my words accordingly. And be sure to make reservations with the Chrysler Building ahead of time. They don’t let just any Confucian walk in off the streets to push somebody over the edge, later blaming a domesticated feline. A bit picky, if you ask me.
As for the whole Jews and Muslims bit, don’t worry. I just checked Wikipedia, and nobody named Ferdinand or Isabella has ever had anything to do with Spain.
Until next time, this is Socially Awkward. Stay away.
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