284.) The Manifesto on Things That Go Great Together

The iPad is Apple’s version of Apple’s version of the MP3 player. In other words, there are very few differences between the iPad and iPod touch. Yes, “touch” is lower-case, as Apple still refuses to follow English conventions (for example, “go great together”). Both the iPad and iPod touch have touch screens, Internet access, and more applications than there are whales in Wales. That’s right. Infinitely more. Unless, of course, you count the ocean, which is where whales typically live. If you count the ocean, then there is quite a plethora of whales in Wales. By which I mean the iPad and iPod touch are virtually identical. But there is one amazing difference that really sets the iPad apart from its semi-identical twin – the price.

Some think the $700 price tag is totally unreasonable. For these people, I submit Stuart Hughes's golden iPad. 22 carat gold, 53 diamonds, $190,000. Fetch your checkbooks.

The iPad is a wonderful tool. It is usefulhandyfunctional, and any other synonym for “it gets the job done.” Apple has really outdone themselves this time. They’ve shown the world that their followers are both money-loaded and gullible. Before I continue, I must say that I myself am an Apple fan. I write on a MacBook Pro, have an iPod and iPhone, and use iTunes for most of my music and video purchases. However, that does not stop me from seeing the humor in a giant iPod touch.

In the iPad’s defense, I should probably point out some of the features. First, it has a beautiful screen that costs approximately a dollar per pixel. Viewing games, the Web, and e-mail has never been so rewarding. (The reward, by the way, comes from all the manual labor you’ll be doing to pay off your bank loan.) The device has started a revolution – Apple has set the standards for the “I-want-it-but-don’t-want-to-pay-for-it” category of expensive and extraneous objects that cost 30 times the price of a GameStop GameCube. They’ve always been pioneers.

"Picture this, ladies and gentlemen, except four times bigger."

If somebody were to come up to me and say, “Here, have an iPad,” I wouldn’t complain. I might wonder as to the credibility of some random guy walking up to me and shoving a box in my hands, but I still wouldn’t complain. At least, not until the police report. The point is, I would very much love to have an iPad. And I’m not alone. A recent study showed that 97% of Americans would accept an iPad from a stranger/would be willing to pay half price/would be more willing to pay a quarter price/just really want an iPad. Another study that I similarly just made up argued that, while the previous study has some credibility, 97 just so happens to also be the percentage of statistics that are fabricated. Therefore, argues this study (Yes, et al. 2010), 97% is 62% as likely as 49% of all statistics that are 73% made up. The latter study was widely discredited after the discovery that the researchers could neither formulate coherent data nor finish grammatically correct sentences. They were forced to turn in their lab coats and pursue a slightly less glamorous career of selling pens.

The iPad: Proving beyond a doubt that Apple fanboys will buy anything. Manifesto, OUT.


One response to “284.) The Manifesto on Things That Go Great Together

  1. As promised, The Semi-Regularly Updated Mass Media Manifesto comes to Pavlov’s Hair Conditioner – because pseudo-Communism does, in fact, mix well with mass media.

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