Dear Socially Awkward: My Uncle’s a Jerk

Dear Socially Awkward:

Taxidermy is too mainstream.

My uncle’s a real dick. Whenever I’m over at his house, he won’t let me touch his prize-winning fish. It’s one of those things that’s been taxidermized and mounted on the wall above his fireplace. He won’t admit it, but he bought it at a yard sale in Pittsburgh. He tells everyone he caught it on his trip to the Amazon, but I know the truth. I want to know two things: First, should I tell people he’s lying? Second, can you tell my uncle to let me touch the fish? Thanks.

In on the Secret in Indiana

Dear Rank-and-File Member of Society:

Before I begin, I would like to tell you that Richard is a perfectly acceptable name, and if you don’t like calling him “Dick,” then “Rick,” “Richie,” or “New York Times” are fine alternatives. Trust me, he’ll know what I mean.

I’m a bit confused. I really don’t see how telling people he bought the fish on Amazon is much of a bragging right. Also, why did he take a whole trip there? Did he confuse it with a physical retailer such as Wal-Mart? If so, you may want to slap him upside the head with some posterboard. That should get the point across. In other words, this problem should take care of itself.

As for telling your uncle to let you touch the fish, I just sent a strongly worded e-mail to him. Of course, since I really don’t know who the great-balls-of-fire you are, there is no guarantee I found the correct uncle. Good luck!

Until next time, this is Socially Awkward. Stay away.

—Want to see your questions answered by Socially Awkward? Send them to xavieryes@pavlovshairconditioner.com. If we like ’em, we’ll answer ’em.

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