Dear Socially Awkward

Dear Socially Awkward:

I recently had a messy break-up, and now my ex won’t even talk to me. I have always thought of myself as attractive, and people tell me I have a good personality. I feel like I should just put this behind me and move on to people who will treat me with more respect. Am I just being naïve?

Self-Confident in Sacramento

Dear Stupid:

What you have here is a textbook example of Marxist Communism. Before you start shoving lobsters down his/her pants, you should probably call the House Un-American Activities Committee. Then ready the lobsters.

Your letter, however, is unhelpfully vague. I mean, how attractive are you? Really attractive, or just kind of pleasing to the eyes? Or are you just a lying prick? Also, are you male or female, because it’s possible that your partner had this in mind when breaking up. If you answer these questions, then I can help you select between Homarus gammarus and Homarus americanus lobsters.

Until next time, this is Socially Awkward. Stay away.

—Want to see your questions answered by Socially Awkward? Send them to xavieryes@pavlovshairconditioner.com. If we like ‘em, we’ll answer ‘em.

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