Why I Can Sell Modern Art by the Pound

I have decided to become a modern artist. At first I thought this simply meant being an artist in the present day. However, when I found out what it really meant, I had already bought the supplies, so I decided to try it anyway.

People tell me I have an extraordinary talent for making red lines really stand out on white canvas. I’ve only been in the field for two days now, but I guess that’s a good thing. I wouldn’t want the red line to be obscured by the yellow line. And heaven forbid the red line or the yellow line be obscured by a potential third line, which, if made, would be in a fine shade of chartreuse.

I sold my first painting today. It was of a black cube-like figure on a completely black background. Many people didn’t think it made sense, but some rich woman bought it for $3.99 a pound. That’s almost what I paid for one of my tubes of paint, so I guess I’m close to breaking even on one of my tubes of paint. Exciting, I know.

One person told me that my painting of the letter “L” on a burgundy background was of a particular quality, which is good, because I spent $48 for the burgundy. I’m told it was a good vintage. The same person bought the painting for 2,000 Japanese yen. I don’t know what Japan has to do with all this, but 2,000 is a high number. I feel kind of bad for overcharging him, but he seemed perfectly happy. He told me the painting would be the centerpiece of some sort of tasting he was having in California. I’m not really familiar with Californian customs, but clearly there was a reason this crazy guy thought he got a good deal.

I had a half-off sale this morning. Nobody seemed able to realize they were only getting half a painting. That’s one advantage of modern art, I suppose. The other advantage is that I don’t have to make copied prints of my work. It takes less time to just make them by hand.

Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical. I’m going to take my friends’ advice and commission someone’s six-year-old son to help me paint.

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