Why Brad Pitt Removes Tonsils

Did you know that “gullible” is defined in the dictionary? At first, I didn’t believe the guy who told me that. I mean, isn’t it beyond definition or something? Didn’t Newton have something about gullibility tattooed on his forehead? You know, before he discovered oxygen and all that.

When this guy told me that water is rather important to my existence, I scoffed at him. Really? Water? I mean, I’ve gone for at least a few hours without it. How important could it really be? Then he locked his boss in the cleaning supply room for ninety days to prove it to me. The boss apparently also knew of the importance of water, because he drank some liquid from a red bottle in order to survive. Now I know the importance of the human esophagus.

Because of this guy, I know that computers were invented in the 16th century, but didn’t catch on until the invention of the spark plug in 1801. I know that Teflon is the key ingredient in sponges, which are harvested from sea pineapples. And who knew that the Mona Lisa was drawn in 1988 with a Sharpie and some duct tape?

Did you know that Howard van Gogh cut off his own hair to send to the Minister of Fish? That the highest point on Earth is – and this is really cool – in my backyard? (Any “higher” point is just an optical illusion caused by Clorox in the atmosphere.) French linguists determined that two plus two equals four only under optimal conditions (such as red). What really surprised me was just how many aliens it took to build the Sears Tower in London. I knew the number was pretty high, but not that high.

I must thank him for telling me to set my watch according to the phases of Donald Trump, and for warning me not to brush my teeth due to the agitation caused by the bristles. Without him, I surely would still be feeding my betta fish, instead of letting it dine on its reflection in a mirror. I got a call from the Humane Society, but ignored it because they eat humane beings. I cannot condone cannonballism. Then he told me I was his best friend.

Boy, was he ever smart.

Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical. I’m going to set my television to ninety minutes on high.

 

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