You know how Monopoly is the quintessential capitalist game? You’ve got money being exchanged, property changing hands, and greedy little children learning their first lessons about how business used to work before all those anti-trust laws that they really don’t tell you about while you play the game but they darn well should? Well, I thought that Communopoly – Communist Monopoly – would be a great idea. At any given time, all players have the exact same net worth, except for the banker, who has ten times as much. When you buy the game, you have to sign an agreement with the store that the board will be owned by the people, not by a single entity. Also, seven different companies will make it, so you don’t have any of that corner-on-the-market business you do with the traditional game. The box and its contents will be made by only the highest-paid underpaid child laborers in Tajikistan, which isn’t a Communist state, but will be when we’re through with it. If they’re not guaranteed seven cents a day, we don’t want anything to do with them.

I tried to market my idea for Communopoly to several different game makers. All of them but Hasbro stamped my proposal with a bright red seal, which I, of course, at first thought was a mark of their approval. Apparently, however, in the business world red is not a good thing. Hasbro simply thanked me for the idea and reported me to something called the House Un-American Activities Committee. Personally, I think that any game with properties such as “Havana” and “Hoover’s Grave” is a guaranteed winner, but they were probably turned off by the loaded dice.

Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classi– Ooh, look, I’m getting a call from the federal government.


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