Dressed to Fight Ancient Spirits

For Halloween, I put on a black cape, a black mask, a black Spanish Gaucho hat, and carried a shiny épée. For added effect, I painted a large “Z” across my chest. I was, of course, myself.

Honestly, who wouldn’t want to go as me? I’m cool, calm, and collected. Plus I come in all sizes of action figures. (Please visit http://www.jklmediallc.com for more information.) I’m a role model for children and an inspiration to adults. I’ve also got some wicked fencing moves. I fight my enemies with little-to-no mercy. Sometimes I give them slightly-more-than-deserved-but-still-generally-lacking mercy. I sure show them.

(You can find pictures of me on the Internet. Since you already know my name, I should be easy to find. I need more fans, by the way. Gotta keep going.)

When I came home from my jaunts around town, I decided to order pizza, pop in Airplane!, and call upon the ancient spirits of the Lost City of Azúrathae. The pizza came and the movie was good – as always – but the ancient spirits were somewhat devoid of interest. I made sure to place all the precious gems I’d stolen from the Smithsonian over the years in a neat ring around a flaming statue of a pigeon, just as it said on the back of the box. Finally, after waiting for what seemed like forty-eight hours but was probably more in the vicinity of twenty-three, the ancient spirits started bubbling up out of my carpet. They rose from the ground, looming over me. They must have been at least five feet high. I never said I was tall. The spirit whom I assumed to be the leader – based on the large golden dollar-sign medallion gracing his neck and the fact that there wasn’t anyone else present – informed me that he was terribly sorry, but he didn’t exist, and would I please get back to my movie, which was one of his personal favorites. Then he disappeared. I checked the box I’d gotten the instructions from and discovered that I was looking at the recipe for Betty Crocker’s Famous Buttermilk Pancakes.

Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical. While you’re busy with that, I’ll be installing a new carpet.

 

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