The Superallergy


My superpower is my allergy to spandex. All the other superheroes fly past me with their tights and excessively snug shirts. I just look at them and think, Losers.

See, I have the ability to wear whatever I want. Sometimes I fight crime in a sweater vest. Sometimes I battle my enemies wearing khakis and a dark blue polo. I even sent Really Bad Man and Slightly Less Bad But Still Pretty Nasty Lad to prison wearing Converse sneakers and a red sweatshirt. The other superheroes look at me with envy. Yeah, you wish you had a choice of wardrobe.

I was having a talk with Mega Married Man yesterday at the local coffee shop. He gazed at me longingly. This made me somewhat uncomfortable, given that he has a wife and kids, but I still managed to look professional. I mean, how could I not in a sweater/collared shirt combo? After about twenty minutes of Triple M looking deeply into my eyes, I stood up and prepared to make my quick getaway.

“Wait,” Triple M called with an outstretched arm. The arm appeared to stretch for ten feet to where I was inching towards the door. One of his powers is elasticity, so I guess that makes sense.

I sighed. “What?”

“I want your power.”

“Excuse me?”

“You superpower. I want it.”

“Oh,” I said. “That makes a lot more sense than what I thought you meant.”

Turns out Triple M is forced to wear the tightest possible clothes by his overbearing wife. His marital status being his main superpower, this is a difficult mandate to oppose. He grudgingly dons his spandex and defenestrates himself every morning. Fortunately he can fly, as they live on the twenty-first floor of Burly Arms Apartments. He longs to wear something more comfortable, something he can really move around in. But his wife says otherwise. I don’t know what his kids think. Tommy can transform, Derrick has super speed, and Philo is just a really, really hyper eight-year-old. Mega Married Man actually does have a really loving family. They spend a lot of time together, his wife occasionally helps him defeat the evil Lord Sink Scum, and they frequent his in-laws’ house in the Hamptons. Yes, he really is a family man. Poor guy.

Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical.

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