Because My Horoscope Told Me To

I get all my information from my horoscope. That and the National Enquirer, but mostly my horoscope. Sometimes, if I don’t like mine, I read someone else’s. That way, I always win. They’re really underrated as an excellent source of daily news. I don’t understand why.

Take yesterday, for example. My horoscope (I’m a Virgo) said to watch out for Cancers and befriend a Leo. Well, I still don’t have cancer, and I made friends with Leo McAllister from across the street. He’s now my accountant. Some may say that having a taxidermist for your accountant isn’t the best of ideas, but my horoscope said it, so how bad could it be?

Once, on my birthday, my horoscope said that I would live for sin(30) more years. That seems pretty good. I don’t know my Russian very well, but there are numbers in there, so it must be a long time. I was also told to wait six months for “a big surprise.” I wonder what that could be. I love surprises.

Some people tell me that getting your future from the stars is a stupid idea. Well, maybe some of them burnt out millions of years ago, but we can still see their light, so why can’t they tell us our future? Other people say that’s flawed logic. I tell them that after aliens discovered Elvis in New Hampshire, NASA scientists proved horoscopes to be real. They just stare at me after that, so I know I win.

Well, I’ve got to go check out that pyramid thing Leo told me about.

Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical.

 

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