Psychiatric Readings

I have regular psychiatric readings. Believe me, I need them. Some would call my psychiatrist a bit unorthodox, but I like him. He says I’m special and gives me free lollipops. Sometimes we arm wrestle. When I tell people about him, they think I’m crazy. Well, of course I am. Otherwise, why would I need him? Right?

Let me give an example of one of our sessions. I know this all happened because he tapes our meetings. At first, having seven cameras in the room pointed at me from various angles made me a bit nervous, but he assured me that the only people who see the recording are him and his YouTube audience. So I figure it’s okay. But this one session, I was telling him about the time I balanced on a line of dental floss stretched between the Empire State Building and the ground below. I told him a lot of people had accused me of lying. He said they were crazy.

“But wait,” I said. “You told me crazy was the normal state of being.”

He glared at me. I thought he was going to call me a liar, too. But he lowered his gaze and looked at his notebook. Then he looked up at me and said, “You’re a liar.”

“But-but-but…”

“See, I told you, liars stutter. It’s a simple fact of life.”

“Okay.”

“And just so you know, crazy is the normal state of being. Time’s up. That’ll be $300.” He kicked me out after that. It hurt.

He wouldn’t be a decent psychiatric reader if he didn’t read. He says he can tell me everything about myself by feeling my toenails. After several sessions of toenail reading, he told me he had come to a conclusion. “Your toenails say your deepest desire is to pay me $100 more per session. That’ll be $400.” This time he actually escorted me to the back door. Then he kicked me out.

You may think my psychiatrist is a bit unusual. You may even call me crazy. But that means you’re crazy. Which is what I am. Which would mean you’re correct. And crazy is the normal state of being, so I’m normal, but you’re crazy, which means you’re normal, but it takes one to know one, and – carry the three – I should pay him $50 more per session. That’s a miracle of modern medical science. Oh, look, someone e-mailed me a YouTube link.

Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical.

(P.S. My psychiatrist says he approves of my blog’s title, and would like to try something new next time.)

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